About That List...

So at the start of this year I had a grand plan to take part in the 52 lists blogging challenge, with a view to it being a way of me continuously blogging. I think i managed three weeks worth of lists? So that was a bit of a fail.

But there was one list which was basically new year resolutions; things I wanted to achieve this year. You can look at the post here if you want to refer to it.

Basically I've already achieved the majority of the list (woohoo for that!), and its only month 10.

As I wrote that I just realised there are only two more months after this until 2015. Its unsettled me a bit to be honest...

Anyway, one item was to figure out what I'm doing with my life - I'm currently at university studying Computer Science so I would say that's part achievement - that's what I want to do with my life for the now at least. Lets take it a few days at a time though I'm not much of a planner.

Another was to be spontaneous. That's been a little more difficult, partly because I forgot it was on the list, but also because I'm a quiet person and spontaneity doesn't come naturally to me. I've definitely been more outgoing this year than in previous ones though, so points to me for that please!

I travelled, I moved out, and I didn't completely give up on everything - also things I hoped to achieve this year. I've come very close to giving up at several points but I never did completely, which is the point, right?

And then the other item. To have a relationship, amongst other things. Looking back am I slightly ashamed I cared enough to put this on my list? Yes. But it happened, and then un-happened. We'll save that for another post though I suppose. Basically its not all its cracked up to be, let's just say that.

It's Been a While...

Hey there,

Its been a fair few months since I last spoke to you and quite a few things have changed, to say the least.

Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to university or not and wasn't sure if I'd even be able to get in? Well, I did, and I have now uprooted my life from sunny middle-of-nowhere to London, which actually is sunny despite the season. Its been a drastic change to say the least but I've been here for two and a half weeks now and I'm loving it. This is definitely where I want to be right now.

Since leaving home and moving and starting university, and everything else that's been going on, I feel like I have a lot more to say and so I hope to log that here, a forum I neglected back in february due to my dreary life and other things getting in the way. Well, no longer! I want to keep a record of this new chapter in my life and this is the way I'll do it, so if you are a person reading this then sit back, relax and enjoy. If this is me reading in a few months or years time, hi there, how's life going for you?

So that's it from me for the moment, I'll leave you with a few pictures I've taken since I got here (because I just couldn't resist) and be back soon :)

Thinking about Endings.

Sometimes I have moments when I wonder about the more depressing aspects of life.

An example being death.

Its an inevitability, however its something that can happen at any given moment. I was driving in the rain today and ploughed through a puddle i couldn't see. I swerved to the side of the road - that could have been a lot worse than just making me look drunk to other drivers. I could have lost control. Ended up in a ditch, froze to death, or could have gone just from the impact of a tree. It's simple. There are so many ways and we just don't know. 

As the daughter of a cancer survivor (fingers crossed), I have the outlook on life that we should be living every moment like our last. 

However I have that outlook in the hypocritical sense - meaning if I died tomorrow I wouldn't be happy with my today, or my yesterday. My last days would have been just like any other, worthless. 

And that's something I'd love to change - its a big part of why my future is so unclear right now. I'm scared shitless of making the wrong decision and regretting it. 

A fucking UFO could fall out of the sky tomorrow morning, I could have a near miss and end up paralysed, unable to do anything physical ever again. It could fall directly on top of me - there goes Chloe flat as a pancake. 

I'd be forgotten quickly, which doesn't bother me much. That's not the issue. The issue is that, if hypothetically I 'lived on' - say there's an afterlife or an unfinished business kind of scenario - I would absolutely hate myself because it would be too late to do the things I want to do most. Travel, have good relationships with people, do something different. Anything.

And similarly if I lost someone close to me I'd hate the fact that we'd never be able to do the things we said we'd do together. 

This stuff pops into my head sometimes. I thought I'd write it all down just for the hell of it - maybe it worries you too and I'm not just someone weirdly hung up on death? Hmm

I'll leave you with a song anyway. An Ed Sheeran song of course - not my favourite artist but the song speaks my words.

Plus my favourite song every that makes me ball my eyes out. Every. Time. 

Because why the fuck not? 

In Need of an Epiphany.

So I started doing the 52 Lists thing, which is a blog-every-week throughout the year type of thing. I started doing this because its an easy way to make sure I post at least something once a week.

I haven't posted in 2 weeks.

Why?

Because I looked up the list topics for the past two weeks and wasn't sure what to write, so I didn't bother. This is my whole attitude to life and is the reason why I am not sure what I want to do when I leave school. If I don't like it I just don't do it.

So I will do the lists I can do, but the ones I can't I won't because I'm basically phobic of commitment and that's that, isn't it really? There isn't much more to it.

I need ideas!

I am so stuck in a rut these days that I can't even come up with ideas for blog posts to write - what?! I need inspiration guys. Serious inspiration.

An epiphany.

That'd be nice. A good ol'epiphany to inspire me to do something with my life. I can then blog about said epiphany and all will be solved.

There we go. Life plan right there.

I need to get myself an epiphany.

52 Lists: Three // List the Things You Do on a Rainy Day

52 Lists: Two // List Your Favourite Moments of 2013

52 Lists: One // List Your Goals For the Year

I'm a little late to join on this one but this seems like a great way to look at 2014 differently, in a more positive light, because I'm sure this year is going to be shit, so I guess it could also be a countdown to the end of the year.

Rebellion.

Since the school year started in September, I have become somewhat of a rebel.

Well, a rebel of my school's standards anyway. This label has been given to me with respect to my being late for school (but usually on time for lessons), and my unwillingness to want to do my work. I still do it, but it is with a very low level of enthusiasm.

So this week is Mock Week, which for those of you who may not know, it is a week where I have no school, but I have to go in to do pretend exams to 'prepare me' for the real things in the summer, which are my A-levels and count towards the rest of my life.

No pressure there then.

But these are mocks. They're not real. Fake. Pretend. Irrelevant.

However my performance in these exams (all two of them - yay for 3 days off!) matters a great deal to my teachers and seeing as my rebel label isn't going away any time soon with respect to timing, I was hoping that I would be marginally successful in these exams so that I could say to my teachers 'Hey, I may not show up when you want me to but I'm still smart. So shut up'. Turns out, that just isn't going to happen.

I had my first mock today and it was AWFUL. I have never completed so little of a test paper than I did today. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I began revising when I finished work last night at 11pm. I finished revising at 3.30am when I fell asleep half way through learning trigonometry.

You may have read that and thought 'What an idiot for working instead of revising! Studies come first.'

Well you. Yes, you, the person that thought that - here's something for you:

If I don't work, I don't get paid. If I don't get paid then I can't afford to pay for the fuel to put in my car to take me to school to enable me to learn things to pass my exams and not end up flipping burgers for the rest of my life. Because that's what I do now, and as much as it is a great part time job, if I end up in it full time I will probably enter a state of extreme depression. That's not a joke - I'm already halfway there anyway.

So anyway, I have one mock left on Wednesday afternoon and I haven't revised yet because I spent most of the afternoon sleeping of my almost all-nighter last night. So I am probably going to fail that one too and the teacher is probably going to be close to kicking me out of the class.

I was top of the class last year.

Now I'm 'disruptive'.

I guess that's proof that things change. Not always for the better. This stage of rebellion isn't rebellion, it is being lost. I'm lost in life, I don't know what I want out of life - uni, moving out, a job, what career etc. What do I want? How the fuck am I supposed to know?! I'm 18 years old and I'm still in education where I am forced to be dependent in every way, including not being well off enough to move out and live on my own.

Life sucks. I'm trying to deal with it.

But sometimes I just don't really want to.

And that, my friends, is rebellion.